i am not okay. i am not okay. i am not okay. i just want to scream it from the room tops. i may seem to have it together at school and at work and other places, but no i really don’t. why do you think i cleaned all the registers and put up the new bags tonight? because i really didn’t feel like dealing with people why do you think i made those jokes in class today? because i don’t seem to care about anything anymore. why don’t i go to church or read my bible anymore? because i don’t feel connected to/loved by God and i know that’s bad but i don’t have the motivation to seek out faith and that scares me.
i should really be happy right now. the semester’s over (just a few finals), it’s nearly christmas, the years almost over and a new one is coming and things just should make me happy. but i’m not okay. i want to cut. i want to pour a glass of vodka and drink away my thoughts. i want to get in the car and keep driving. i keep thinking about a car crashing into me as i drive. i keep thinking about my own blood spilling out, pouring from my open veins.
i made a gingerbread house tonight with my dad and that should of made me happy but it just made me even more sad because time with my dad isn’t the same as when i was little and my dog’s getting older and he’s getting sick and seeing him shake and not eat as much as he did made me nearly start crying. he’s eleven and when he goes i know there won’t be anything to stop me from going completely gone.
and i ate way too many calories today and i know how bad that is because i’m so huge and i don’t feel right in my own skin. i get too hyper and too fat when i eat so i need to start restricting again. like five.hundred calories a day, maybe even three.hundred until i get rid of this grossness.
You don’t know me. But you can always call me.
